hmmm, It's been a while since I've written, as you may have noticed. My youngest monkey started school a year ago (and he's kicking ARSE at it by the way!) and so I thought I would have more free time, and more desire to write. Seems I was wrong..... I have been kept busy with life, working at Playcentre (which was an awesome experience), home life, being sick - that's been a lot this year and I'd like THAT to change! - kids, housework, changing derby leagues (helping kick start a new all inclusive one actually), house work, oh did I mention home life stuffs? ;) Mostly I wanted to get back into this, as I'm back to feeling like I'm living in my head a lot, too much, that I needed to be vocalising more so that I don't go loopy. or more loopy. Or simply maybe I feel like I need someone to talk to coz I feel alone. Weirdly though, I don't wanna go out and see people, I feel like I'm turning into an introvert......I'm not quite sure how that works, but *shrug* I long ago gave up attempting to analyse my thinking processes. So anyways, I'm back! First off I wanted to say that I want a do over of this last year. Actually no. Not a do over, coz that means reliving it. And it has been kinda shit really. Between all the upheaval of Playcentre stuff, last kid going to school, figuring out what I want to do with my time post preschool kids (and failing I might add), and being sick. A lot. Too much. I really really don't wanna live this year again. I want a Pass Out for the rest of 2015. Can I just check out and start over when 2016 rolls around? Pretty please??
While I am honoured that centres wanted to have a role specifically for me, I am unable and unwilling to take that up a role on Exec at this time.
This is not a decision I have made lightly, I am frankly heartbroken over it. I want Playcentre to be the best that it can be, I know I have knowledge and experience of value to share, I want to be able to pay forward all the support, aroha, manaakitanga and education my family and I have received over the years, but I am not willing to put myself in a position of being stepped on to do it. I have tried very hard in the last year, yet I have continued to feel my input was dismissed out of hand. I learnt in Playcentre that cooperation is a group effort. I am not going to put myself (and as a result my family) through that stress again.
I am not moving away, not changing my numbers, I will always be at the end of the phone for centre members to contact, to support our whanau.
I know you know that Playcentre is deeply in my heart and I would love to be able to continue to help out at Assn, but clearly there isn't a good fit of position for me with the current situation. Thank you for all the support and nurture I have been given by Assn members over the last 5 years. ruth jones For those who I sent it to via email, it was so you were in the loop of my life. I dunno how much more I can talk about this......got some more grieving to do I suspect given how I'm feeling right now....
So.... this started out as an email to the Co-Presidents of my Playcentre Association (and some other folk who I wanted to see it out of respect).
But then as I was crying writing parts of it, I thought perhaps I needed to write to process THEN write the email.....
(oh yeah some background heh - I put my name forward (with my centre supporting me which is the Playcentre way) for Co-President of our Assn as I felt it was right for me and my skill set to be more involved. Also, i felt that the current Co-President has a way of just moving things in her pre-chosen direction, and she might be right, but I was "raised" in Playcentre to use consensus decision making, consultation being key as we are a cooperative. All philosophies that are anathema I've found to those from corporate land. *sigh* The current Co-President was standing again, so there had to be discussions at AGM for centres to decide who they wanted in the role. I lost. Which is fine (Not to say it wasn't HARD), that's the process, that's who they chose. I just wanted it to be a conscious decision on the centre members part. Anyways, so I left AGM with no role at Assn.
and now the fun part of handing over the work I was doing etc....
Hence the email.
Kia Ora koutou,
I am aware that there was a request as part of the Co-President selection discussion at AGM to have a position discussed/designed for me - look don't worry about it. There is enough work going on, and not enough people, for time to be spent on me. Plus there's no money in the budget.
I know you know that Playcentre is my heart and I would love to be able to continue to help out at Assn, but clearly there isn't a good fit of position for me with the current situation. I have tried, and felt fairly unsuccessful in the last year, and am not willing to put myself (and as a result my family) through that stress again.
I am not moving away, not changing my numbers, I will always be at the end of the phone for centre members to contact.
This is not a decision I have made lightly, I am frankly heartbroken over it. I want Playcentre to be the best that it can be, I want to be able to pay forward all the support, aroha, manaakitanga and education my famliy and i have received over the years, but I am not willing to put myself in a position of being stepped on to do it.
I know I have value, I know my work is worthwhile - I have felt these things at Hutt Association previously. I can always find a job where I am treated dismissively, disrespectfully; at least I will be getting a wage from it.
And that's where I stopped writing the email coz I was going to get sweary and rude, which is not how I like to be to those I respect. It's not what I see as my place in this situation - an ethos I am finding hard to put into words.
Anyways, I think I have it now. I'm still toying with the idea of writing an open letter to the centres, which I would ask to be emailed out to all, and post on fb, but not quite sure yet.....that pesky being respectful thing again..... hrrmmmm
Thanks for listening and helping me process this.
And I will leave you with this awesome ditty my brother @SiDawson introduced me to, it's about all I feel like doing right now.... :O/
I know now why I was feeling so crappy when I lasted posted....I was coming down with the flu!
Excellent.
So, I know I said to myself that now Monkey has started school, and I am officially a "Lady of Leisure" *snort*, I was going to post more often.
Yeah. Have I mentioned I'm shit at setting goals and sticking to them??
Anyhoos...things are good here. Usually busy and craziness. The Chickens who stopped laying over winter have started again, altho Soup, who have never laid, started harrassing Leia, so we killed here the other weekend. She was a tricky one to gut so I gave up after accidentally pulling off her venthole.
I kid you not.
Best not add any words to that.....
So moving on. This is my hair now. I went thru a stage of keeping it real short, with a mohawk, then it went a bit wrong so I started over (read: shaved it all off) and then finally let it grow a bit. this is hard as I have not a lot of patience.
Anyhoo....this is me trying different stuff so I don't get bored with it and shave it off again!
I like it tho, so although it takes a bit of maintenance I've had this in for over a week now. And funnily, it was Admiral's idea to do the different colours, I just had it up in the hairties. Yes, conservative Admiral suggested this. Gotta love him for continuing to keep me on my toes, surprising me.
So, Monkey is doing awesome at school, when I thought he would need another term before he was ready - yay for pleasant surprises!! My Big Brother is coming back this way soon, so I'm excited about that too!
And now I must sign off and do shopping and other works stuff - you know Lady of Leisure activities *snort* Leisure my arse ;O)
My youngest kid started school 5 weeks ago, which is exciting and awesome coz he's doing sooooo well with it. I wasn't sure that he was ready, I was prepared to hold off sending him (legally kids in NZ don't have to start school till they are 6 years old, just societal expectation is that they start at 5yrs). I had made plans to support him, talked to school and Playcentre so it was ok, I prepped myself so I didn't have expectations of having time to myself.....and then he started at 5 and has run with it. He's amazing.
I am in awe him.
And then all the other shit that has been happening in my life in the last 6-9 months (69 months? 6 TO 9 months) hit me all at once. BAM.
It's dumb coz I thought I had processed this stuff when it happened. As it happened. I have thought about things, and re thought about them and talked to people who are smarter than me. But no. Apparently I have shit to yet deal with.
After a month of this I'm kinda a bit sick of feeling crappy. I have been fighting exhaustion and wondering if my depression is getting worse, or if it's just catching up to me after 15 years of sleep dep and preschoolers. I've thought about ways i can get myself through this, setting some fixed things into my day so that I'm not just floating through the day. I have found that altho I have 6 free hours a day I feel like I'm achieving less than I used to. So I thought I would have a nap everyday and go skating during the day, and write this more. So far I've achieved the napping. :O/
All this is to say that I sat down twice today to write this, and had nothing - although this post wouldn't suggest such huh?.....
Anyways, This was in the school newsletter the other week and it made me giggle.. (it's in reference to parents parking, dropping kids off at school) "C'mon people, we are all road users and we need to be respectful of the rules that guide us. Everyday we have cars double parking, parking on yellow lines, parking too close to the pedestrian crossing and people being impatient. Allow me to dispel some myths; Children do not melt in the rain and they can walk more than 50m to or from the school gate, in fact it may be the only exercise they get. The last thing we want is your child, our students, being hurt. Thanks to those behaving thoughtfully"
So glad it's not just me who thinks the way I do.... ;OD
Was at Derby the other week and did a cartwheel as part of walking back from the toilet stretch. I was a gymnast as a child and I still find cartwheels, handstands and such relaxing....*shrug* I don't question it too hard.
Anyways, a mate asked if I could do the cartwheel on wheels. I replied "ah no. You know me and balance aren't always friends!" (i have a history at derby of falling and getting wicked bruises even when I aiming to stay upright. I think it's more coz I push boundaries and my brain often thinks I can do stuff my body isn't -quite- up to!)
Five minutes later..... I think "fuckit. Challenge accepted. Now I have to bloody well try it"
And huzzah! Lookit here....
So there ya go. I know I kinda cheated so that I wasn't really using my wheels, but *shrug* screw you hippie, -I- can do a cartwheel on skates.
So I promised my brother that I would post about derby...... Coz I was too lazy that day to thumb type him an answer how my first tender meat bout went.
Two weeks later.......
* smh*
I dunno if I mentioned that I am part of a low contact league?...... This means we're not quite as rough as what you see for the most part out there in derby land. Don't misunderstand it's rough - you're on wheels, going fast, in a group of people - we get hurt (mostly I get hurt coz I'm unco *snerk* )
Any hoo..... So we (Rimutaka Roller Derby) have taken to traveling to Levin to practice with the Whenua Fatales, which has been awesome for upskilling Altho have to keep in mind they are a full contact league when we use those skills back home. They had organized a Tendermeat bout (for newly skills tested peeps - you have to train to meet a certain standard before you can bout, for your safety and the others on the track with you) you are considered tender meat for your first 3 bouts, and only compete against other people who have bouted 3 or less times.
Here we go in no particular order....
The Jedi Frights team
It was a bit of a thematic event....
Yeah so, i'd dropped my panty for the 2nd time....
Look mum no penalties!
My Rimutaka Roller Derby folks
Being Pivot in a jam
being short has the advantage that I can shoulder check others hips and that means I have advantage over them on balance. yay!
Just being my usual classy self....
warm up
check out that beautiful form
and, lastly, the obligatory arse shot! you're welcome. *curtsey*
It was an amazing day - exciting, exhilarating, scary as hell and exhausting!! Compounded slightly by fact that I've recently found out I have exercise induced asthma. I always knew exercise was evil, now I have proof!! ;o) I had a coupla bruises from training the week before, and they got battered a bit more, Yay! It was awesome having B, my dad, my sister & brother in law, brother and close friend come fiend and support me. It's an interesting sport, if you don't much about it, look it up on you tube - flat track roller derby. We are governed by World Flat Track Roller Derby Association (WFTDA) so Google that and learn more.
I am writing this on a flight to Playcentre Conference so I will add pics of derby things later. There were a couple good ones taken.
So yes going to conference.
Well.
I have put nominations in for trustee board and Co -president...and that was an interesting process. It'll be an interesting meeting too. I may come out of it with one job, or none, with the acceptance of my assn or being unwelcome there. Who knows.
I don't wanna go into too much detail about all that here, I will say tho that I am nervous and kinda dreading it, but also it can't come soon enough and I'm past caring and don't give fuck about it all at once.
So I've been meaning to write this for a while, road to hell and all....
I got this idea thanks to a link @Stitchpunk posted to as part of her morning routine on ravelery. It was an octopus scarf. http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/epic-octopus-scarf-with-tentacles---pdf-crochet-pattern
The concept grew from there.
Anyways..... fast forward a number of conversations and a few months.....ta da!!!
I'm quite proud of it really. Even if the kid would rather sleep with it then wear it *sigh*
I'm cautious of how much I wanna share here coz I know that this is
public. But I need to process all that's going on somehow, and by
writing it seems a logical thing.
I know I have spoken before about Playcentre; being involved at a
national level, and where I see my place, my usefulness in the bigger
picture of this awesome organization. It's been such a huge part of my
life, my kids life, my adult life, my becoming who I am today, and my
strong conviction that it's time to give back.
This is coming to a head. And I'm not sure how I should push back on
those holding me up. I respect these people immensely. I know there
pulling on my brakes is action of love for me, not out of any whim to
stump my journey. But I believe, and the more I learn
(and boy did I learn more this weekend!) The more I believe I'm right,
the more I feel I'm on the right path, the more I wonder if having the
guts and strength to push back is PART of the journey. The next step
that I need to complete to move forward. That maybe it's something I
need to learn about.
And how do you know until you try??
I know the universe will tell me unequivocally if it's not the right
time - it always has in the past!!
So. Next steps? How to respectfully tell people that I respect that they
are wrong and I need their support whether they think they should give
it or not. Hmm, should be an interesting conversation. Oh, did I
mention these are people I still have to work closely with in another
capacity when all is done and dusted?? Yeah, hmm, I see my hesitation
and I raise you nervousness, shyness, lack of confidence and doubt.
Fuckin awesome combo in my brain right now....
So I'ma sit back and enjoy this flight home coz there's nothing else I
can do about ANY of this now, midair. Not even post this!! :oD
So, 530am finds me curled up in bed with Mr Monkey....
In his bed. Coz he just peed in our bed and I didn't fancy sleeping on a towel.
But as his spindly arms curled round my neck while his legs were tucked into the curve of my fetal position I realised I. Love. My. Life.
I love cuddles with little bodies. And giggles over farts and other such silly things that we laugh about here. I love that these little beings I helped make are so gorgeous, as much as their can be little terrors. I love their ingenius crazy thought patterns. I love that their father has a totally irreverent sense of humour. And I love that I can be at home with them.
I was reflecting earlier yesterday about how here in little ole NZ, Valentines Day is about lovers. But when we watch American tv shows they talk about it being a day for telling EVERYONE you love them - lovers, partners, friends, family, siblings, the whole enchilada.
And snuggled up with that boney warm body in a single bed this morning I realised that yes, I have love in my life. And for that I am immensely grateful.
with laughter, a list of tasks, and a feeling of contributing to the group.
Fuckin seriously?!? Why the rollercoaster, brain? pffftt
This is what I saw in my head while driving home....well, I can't find just the snippet that was in my head, and i don't have the technical know how - or lets be honest, the willpower to make time to fiddle around! - to cut out the rest.....so it's just really her reaction when he removes his shirt. The first 2 words she says. gah. Just watch it, it'll make sense.
I promise.
So that was me reaction to my brain. Stupid thing!
anyhoos... then a few days later I had an online meeting with my Fed team - these are good. I like these women, they inspire me, push me to be better, encourage me to step up, and remind me (and not usually in words) when I need to pull my socks up and do more!
And we were having a catch up, as ya do, and we talked about moving forward, as a team, but our whole Playcentre organisation. Here's some background: this have come to a point where we need to drastically change how we function. Society isn't working like it used to 70years ago when we started. Parent's don't stay at home with their kids for as long, often not really at all, some by choice but more and more simply because bills need to be paid. Or if you are out the workforce, step of your career path for 12 months you get woefully left behind. So it's not seen as worth it to stay home. This isn't the only reason we have to change, but I see it as a big part of it.
The other thing I see as having changed is people. And their expectations of life, of society, of their entitlements, and of what is reasonable to be asked of them. This is a generalisation - of course it is. And of course there are exceptions to the rule. This is always the case. Also, people don't tend to have larger families anymore - they are in and out of ECE in 3 years - not 15 like me. I'm an anomaly. I'm ok with that. It gives me perspective.
Anyhoos - where was I? Oh yeah, talking with my team - I can't share here what I shared there, the time isn't right yet. And I have folk to talk to first, it's only right, it's respectful of them and all. But what it boils down to, is that I see maybe a place for me in the Federation in the upcoming year (if they'll have me. If they believe I would be valuable in the role...) Which is progress from how I was feeling on Monday. So this is good.
And it's weird, I love the holidays. I do! I love lounging round in my pjs, not having to be out the house by 840am all that jazz......but I'm feeling better this week than I have all year (yeah yeah I know we're only a little over a month in. shush).
I know I'm feeling better coz I chose to vacuum the other night. AND I've been noticing that things need dusting. I NEVER notice dust!! let alone do anything about it.
So worry not my friends, those who gather to listen to my ramblings, things are looking up. I know that I may not know now for certain, and I may have to "wait my patience" and as much as I hate that, it will be all good in the end.
Meanwhile, this song struck a chord with me this evening..... always a good reminder! :O)
So things are a changing again.... As is always the way in life. Well my life anyways it seems....
And I find as I ruminate on these changes upcoming, that I am unsure where I fit in this puzzle.
Things have to change. I know this. I see the need for these changes. But but but I had an idea of where I stood in the picture that was painted. I can't yet see where I fit in this nebulous painting in progress.
I also find myself biting my tongue in some situations, some groups of people, that I never would have in the past. Say 6 months ago. I find myself feeling like the words I say are wrong, not needed, or when I am really maudlin - unnecessary. Thinking "Why did I bother putting myself out there?"
This isn't how I like to be. This isn't a frame of mind I like to have. I wake each day with the goal of being positive, being upbeat again.... then run into a 'wall'
And the more it happens, the more I think "you know what? I'm out." And step back from my volunteer roles. At all but the lowest level.
But even that chaffs with my personal philosophy (or whatever you call what you believe in.....) = if I say I'm gonna do something, I need to do it. I like to be reliable. It's kinda a base part of who I am.
So where do I go from here? How do I marry the need, and it is becoming quite an urgent need, to change, with where my place is in this brave New World??
So, yesterday my mum organized for us to visit a lady she had met who had chickens. 24 chickens.
It was great, she has only had them for a wee while, but I learnt stuffs, which is always good.
The biggest thing I came back home with tho is the knowledge that what we're doing is right. We have happy chickens. Yay!! There are things we can do better. There are always things one can improve, tis the way of life. I'm ok with that. Actually I like that, it gives me something to aim towards. Moving forward always feels better to me than standing still. Which is odd. Huh.
I'm not and never really have been a goal setter by nature. But look at that, somehow I still things to aim for. Ain't life weird.
Anyways, we have happy chickens. Knowledge that came with a huge sense of relief. Also, watching her talk to her chickens made me feel less crazy that I talked to mine. But the I have always talked to my babies like they were big people (just in little bodies for the time being). And I talked to Teal'c like he was a person, just a furry person. I've found if you expect people to understand even if they can't they tend to understand. Teal'c knows he can sit outside the door, or inside for that matter, and wait for someone o see and they'll open the door. If we take too long he'll minor. Or shake his head to rattle the bells on his collar. Or when it's dark he needs to come to our bedroom window to minor. Smart kitty. *nod*
And hopefully, even with their dumb nature and naturally inclined sacredness, I'm gonna raise smart chickens too.
Time will tell.
For now, we have happy chickens and yummy eggs :oD
So, I've finally decided on names for the chickens....
Introducing *drum roll please* Big Blue (white one), Henny Penny (black & white), Soup (all black), Luke & Leia (speckled brown ones - they are slightly different, but I can't always tell unless I look closely, so they are twins!)
They are good layers too. We have a steady supply of 2-3 eggs a day. Apparently they only lay 1 egg every 25 hours, we had 2 eggs yesterday afternoon so I was expecting any today. We had 3! Yay!! When we got The Girls the previous owner didn't think Soup was a layer, but that math suggests she may well be....
So they are settled, we are loving the fresh eggs, now to build they extra run bit and we'll be proper sorted *nod*
We now have, thanks to Christmas: Lego, duvet cover, trading Cards, costumes, wands (of course), books and movies floating about our house. And of course what the Girl likes, the younger boys especially Monkey, love too.
So we have conversations like, "mum where's my wand? I need to play wizards!"
And it is why on a Sunday evening I'm watching Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.
And I SHOULD be finishing the h & p for her hat....
So, I thought I would have more time to write here if I decided that's what I wanted to do...
Seems I don't know shit about myself.
We got chickens from a friend who needed to rehome them, coop and all, so I've filled my days with that. Between family being here, holidays (Christmas et al), oh yeah having 6 kids and the settling of chickens and excitement of collecting eggs I haven't thought that much about writing.
But, then, I guess the people I started to write for are here, so do I need to still blog?
So, Friday evenings have become a time when we get takeaways, watch a movie, then do bugger all.
I'm kinda ok with this, but then I notice that time is passing us by and things I should have been getting done, haven't been getting done.
But it's friday night, it's end of the week, and I'm too tired to give a flying fuck about all those things I'm supposed to have done.
See a cycle there?? Yeah me too. ;O)
Anyhoos, I dunno how many of my 10 follows are still following me here - but I've caught myself thinking about writing on this blog thingy a bit lately so thought I would do something about it.
Reading back over previous (I was gonna say recent, but they're really not that recent at all!) posts, not a lot has changed.....We still have 6 kids, youngest still at Playcentre, I'm still doing centre, Assn & National Level stuffs for Playcentre. things are changing - restructure and all - it 's just happening for all Playcentre not just our Assn. (although i should point out that many of our 33 Assns across the country have been changing their structure over the last few years....)
Kitten is now a year old, he's named Teal'c. Yeah we couldn't find a Star Wars name that fit, so we moved onto Stargate o_O
And once again I'm counting down to my Lil Big Bro coming home. I've missed him. Although, maybe not as strongly as I felt it last year as he's been away for the whole of the year and so I've had to cope without him.....Still miss him tho. Still counting sleeps till he gets here and I can share/show him all the things I've been up to... 5 sleeps to go!
Also, did i mention I do roller derby? Yeah I do. Low contact, co-ed league Rimutaka Roller Derby. AND I LOVE IT!!
Along with my Playcentre peeps, these are my peeps too! It's been over a year now I've been practising (you have to train for aaaaaaaaaaaaages before you're qualified enough to bout!) and I'm getting pretty good at it. If I do say so myself :OD
So. That's me. Still here. Still Delusional about a lot of things.
Still getting kicked off my computer so Admiral & Padawan can play games... :O/
I have thought about posting, mostly coz I know that there are some who don't follow me on other social media type thingys.....but I just couldn't find the impetuous to write more than 140 characters. Or anything that I thought was worth your time & energy to read.
What's been happening? Not a lot really. Today I am loving this album again.....esp this track. Dunno why. the guy is obviously a musical GENIUS but even though I can't say why I love this track....
Anyways, after that, what else is going on?
Just the usual stuffs. Kids, Playcentre, housework gah.
Went to another National meeting on the weekend, was really awesome. And I realised that it's my time to step up. As much as I'm always bemoaning being tired and all, I know that Playcentre national level stuffs revitalises me. And I know that if we all don't put our money where our mouth is, the organisation won't survive. We are a volunteer organisation I may have mentioned this once or twice. Plus the Federation (National level) supports the Associations and Centres, but is MADE UP FROM MEMBERS OF THESE. So, we all need to help out. And I feel I have knowledge, enthusiasm and passion to offer, to help with. So, that will be May, at Conference. I throw my hat in the ring. Exciting and scary all at once! As usual with anything worth doing ;O)
Personally in the last wee while I went back to the docs coz although my happy pills have helped me mentally, physically I am still knackered. Long story short; many questions and a couple of vials of blood later I am on the waiting list for an endoscopy as I got a positive reaction to coeliacs. interesting. My life revolves around wheat, so there may be HUGE changes ahead.... I will leave you with this though, a track that I sing to myself when I am feeling low. I LOVE this woman. She is soooo amazing, the more I hear, more I see of her, learn about her the More I am in awe of who she is and how she lives her life. My hero. *swoon*
So. We survived the holidays and are back into it.
Second week of school and first week of Playcentre just ended. Phew.
I have crazily decided that going for a part time job at the library is a good idea. got a second interview for that next week. Time will tell if the money is worth it...
How did it become 2013 already?? and why am i still tired even tho my baby is nearly 4??? :-\
