Monday, April 7, 2014

Fighting For A Chance To Be Chosen

So, that was interesting..... 

I'm cautious of how much I wanna share here coz I know that this is public. But I need to process all that's going on somehow, and by writing it seems a logical thing.

 I know I have spoken before about Playcentre; being involved at a national level, and where I see my place, my usefulness in the bigger picture of this awesome organization. It's been such a huge part of my life, my kids life, my adult life, my becoming who I am today, and my strong conviction that it's time to give back.  

This is coming to a head.  And I'm not sure how I should push back on those holding me up. I respect these people immensely. I know there pulling on my brakes is action of love for me, not out of any whim to stump my journey. But I believe, and the more I learn (and boy did I learn more this weekend!) The more I believe I'm right, the more I feel I'm on the right path, the more I wonder if having the guts and strength to push back is PART of the journey. The next step that I need to complete to move forward. That maybe it's something I need to learn about. 

 And how do you know until you try??

 I know the universe will tell me unequivocally if it's not the right time - it always has in the past!! 

 So. Next steps? How to respectfully tell people that I respect that they are wrong and I need their support whether they think they should give it or not.  Hmm, should be an interesting conversation. Oh, did I mention these are people I still have to work closely with in another capacity when all is done and dusted??  Yeah, hmm, I see my hesitation and I raise you nervousness, shyness, lack of confidence and doubt.

 Fuckin awesome combo in my brain right now.... 

So I'ma sit back and enjoy this flight home coz there's nothing else I can do about ANY of this now, midair.  Not even post this!!   :oD

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Love and all that shit....

So, 530am finds me curled up in bed with Mr Monkey....

In his bed. Coz he just peed in our bed and I didn't fancy sleeping on a towel.

 But as his spindly arms curled round my neck while his legs were tucked into the curve of my fetal position I realised I. Love. My. Life.

I love cuddles with little bodies. And giggles over farts and other such silly things that we laugh about here. I love that these little beings I helped make are so gorgeous, as much as their can be little terrors. I love their ingenius crazy thought patterns. I love that their father has a totally irreverent sense of humour. And I love that I can be at home with them.

I was reflecting earlier yesterday about how here in little ole NZ, Valentines Day is about lovers. But when we watch American tv shows they talk about it being a day for telling EVERYONE you love them - lovers, partners, friends, family, siblings, the whole enchilada. 

And snuggled up with that boney warm body in a single bed this  morning I realised that yes, I have love in my life. And for that I am immensely grateful. 

Even when it drives me nutso!  :OD

Friday, February 7, 2014

And dennn......

So, the meeting ended on a positive note....

with laughter, a list of tasks, and a feeling of contributing to the group.

Fuckin seriously?!?  Why the rollercoaster, brain?  pffftt

This is what I saw in my head while driving home....well, I can't find just the snippet that was in my head, and i don't have the technical know how - or lets be honest, the willpower to make time to fiddle around! - to cut out the it's just really her reaction when he removes his shirt. The first 2 words she says. gah. Just watch it, it'll make sense.

I promise.

So that was me reaction to my brain. Stupid thing!

anyhoos... then a few days later I had an online meeting with my Fed team - these are good. I like these women, they inspire me, push me to be better, encourage me to step up, and remind me (and not usually in words) when I need to pull my socks up and do more!  

And we were having a catch up, as ya do, and we talked about moving forward, as a team, but our whole Playcentre organisation. Here's some background: this have come to a point where we need to drastically change how we function. Society isn't working like it used to  70years ago when we started. Parent's don't stay at home with their kids for as long, often not really at all, some by choice but more and more simply because bills need to be paid. Or if you are out the workforce, step of your career path for 12 months you get woefully left behind. So it's not seen as worth it to stay home. This isn't the only reason we have to change, but I see it as a big part of it. 

The other thing I see as having changed is people. And their expectations of life, of society, of their entitlements, and of what is reasonable to be asked of them. This is a generalisation - of course it is. And of course there are exceptions to the rule. This is always the case.  Also, people don't tend to have larger families anymore - they are in and out of ECE in 3 years - not 15 like me. I'm an anomaly. I'm ok with that.   It gives me perspective.

Anyhoos - where was I?  Oh yeah, talking with my team - I can't share here what I shared there, the time isn't right yet. And I have folk to talk to first, it's only right, it's respectful of them and all. But what it boils down to, is that I see maybe a place for me in the Federation in the upcoming year (if they'll have me. If they believe I would be valuable in the role...) Which is progress from how I was feeling on Monday. So this is good.

And it's weird, I love the holidays. I do! I love lounging round in my pjs, not having to be out the house by 840am all that jazz......but I'm feeling better this week than I have all year (yeah yeah I know we're only a little over a month in. shush). 

I know I'm feeling better coz I chose to vacuum the other night. AND I've been noticing that things need dusting. I NEVER notice dust!! let alone do anything about it.

So worry not my friends, those who gather to listen to my ramblings, things are looking up. I know that I may not know now for certain, and I may have to "wait my patience" and as much as I hate that, it will be all good in the end.

Meanwhile, this song struck a chord with me this evening..... always a good reminder!  :O)


Monday, February 3, 2014

A little lost...

So things are a changing again.... As is always the way in life.  Well my life anyways it seems....

And I find as I ruminate on these changes upcoming, that I am unsure where I fit in this puzzle.

Things have to change. I know this. I see the need for these changes. But but but I had an idea of where I stood in the picture that was painted. I can't yet see where I fit in this nebulous painting in progress.

I also find myself biting my tongue in some situations, some groups of people, that I never would have in  the past. Say 6 months ago.  I find myself feeling like the words I say are wrong, not needed, or when I am really maudlin - unnecessary. Thinking "Why did I bother putting myself out there?"

This isn't how I like to be.  This isn't a frame of mind I like to have. I wake each day with the goal of being positive, being upbeat again.... then run into a  'wall'

And the more it happens, the more I think "you know what? I'm out." And step back from my volunteer roles. At all but the lowest level.

But even that chaffs with my personal philosophy (or whatever you call what you believe in.....) = if I say I'm gonna do something, I need to do it. I like to be reliable. It's kinda a base part of who I am.

So where do I go from here?  How do I marry the need, and it is becoming quite an urgent need, to change, with where my place is in this brave New World??

Any suggestions welcome, coz I'm floundering  o_O

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Went avisiting ...

So, yesterday my mum organized for us to visit a lady she had met who had chickens. 24 chickens.

It was great, she has only had them for a wee while, but I learnt stuffs, which is always good.

The biggest thing I came back home with tho is the knowledge that what we're doing is right. We have happy chickens. Yay!! There are things we can do better. There are always things one can improve, tis the way of life. I'm ok with that. Actually I like that, it gives me something to aim towards. Moving forward always feels better to me than standing still. Which is odd.  Huh.

I'm not and never really have been a goal setter by nature. But look at that, somehow I still things to aim for. Ain't life weird.

Anyways, we have happy chickens. Knowledge that came with a huge sense of relief. Also, watching her talk to her chickens made me feel less crazy that I talked to mine. But the  I have always talked to my babies like they were big people (just in little bodies for the time being). And I talked to Teal'c like he was a person, just a furry person. I've found if you expect people to understand even if they can't they tend to understand. Teal'c knows he can sit outside the door, or inside for that matter, and wait for someone o see and they'll open the door. If we take too long he'll minor. Or shake his head to rattle the bells on his collar. Or when it's dark he needs to come to our bedroom window to minor. Smart kitty. *nod*

And hopefully, even with their dumb nature and naturally inclined sacredness, I'm gonna raise smart chickens too.

Time will tell.

For now, we have happy chickens and yummy eggs  :oD

Sunday, January 12, 2014

So, introducing The Girls....

So, I've finally decided on names for the chickens....

Introducing *drum roll please*  Big Blue (white one), Henny Penny (black & white), Soup (all black), Luke & Leia (speckled brown ones - they are slightly different, but I can't always tell unless I look closely, so they are twins!)

They are good layers too. We have a steady supply of 2-3 eggs a day. Apparently they only lay  1 egg every 25 hours, we had 2 eggs yesterday afternoon so I was expecting any today. We had 3! Yay!! When we got The Girls the previous owner didn't think Soup was a layer, but that math suggests she may well be....

So they are settled, we are loving the fresh eggs, now to build they extra run bit and we'll be proper sorted *nod*

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Harry Potter

So, my Gorgeous Girl really really likes Harry.

Really likes him. 

We now have, thanks to Christmas: Lego, duvet cover, trading Cards, costumes, wands (of course), books and movies floating about our house.  And of course what the Girl likes, the younger boys especially Monkey, love too.

So we have conversations like, "mum where's my wand? I need to play wizards!"

And it is why on a Sunday evening I'm watching Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. 

And I SHOULD be finishing the h & p for her hat....