Monday, November 24, 2014

Heart broken.....

So.... this started out as an email to the Co-Presidents of my Playcentre Association (and some other folk who I wanted to see it out of respect).

But then as I was crying writing parts of it, I thought perhaps I needed to write to process THEN write the email.....

(oh yeah some background heh - I put my name forward (with my centre supporting me which is the Playcentre way) for Co-President of our Assn as I felt it was right for me and my skill set to be more involved. Also, i felt that the current Co-President has a way of just moving things in her pre-chosen direction, and she might be right, but I was "raised" in Playcentre to use consensus decision making, consultation being key as we are a cooperative. All philosophies that are anathema I've found to those from corporate land. *sigh*  The current Co-President was standing again, so there had to be discussions at AGM for centres to decide who they wanted in the role.  I lost. Which is fine (Not to say it wasn't HARD), that's the process, that's who they chose. I just wanted it to be a conscious decision on the centre members part. Anyways, so I left AGM with no role at Assn.

and now the fun part of handing over the work I was doing etc....
Hence the email.

Kia Ora koutou,

I am aware that there was a request as part of the Co-President selection discussion at AGM to have a position discussed/designed for me - look don't worry about it. There is enough work going on, and not enough people, for time to be spent on me.  Plus there's no money in the budget. 

I know you know that Playcentre is my heart and I would love to be able to continue to help out at Assn, but clearly there isn't a good fit of position for me with the current situation. I have tried, and felt fairly unsuccessful in the last year, and am not willing to put myself (and as a result my family) through that stress again.

I am not moving away, not changing my numbers, I will always be at the end of the phone for centre members to contact. 
This is not a decision I have made lightly, I am frankly heartbroken over it. I want Playcentre to be the best that it can be, I want to be able to pay forward all the support, aroha, manaakitanga and education my famliy and i have received over the years, but I am not willing to put myself in a position of being stepped on to do it.  

I know I have value, I know my work is worthwhile - I have felt these things at Hutt Association previously.  I can always find a job where I am treated dismissively, disrespectfully; at least I will be getting a wage from it. 

And that's where I stopped writing the email coz I was going to get sweary and rude, which is not how I like to be to those I respect. It's not what I see as my place in this situation - an ethos I am finding hard to put into words. 

Anyways, I think I have it now.  I'm still toying with the idea of writing an open letter to the centres, which I would ask to be emailed out to all, and post on fb, but not quite sure yet.....that pesky being respectful thing again.....  hrrmmmm

Thanks for listening and helping me process this.

And I will leave you with this awesome ditty my brother @SiDawson introduced me to, it's about all I feel like doing right now....  :O/

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