Saturday, February 15, 2014

Love and all that shit....

So, 530am finds me curled up in bed with Mr Monkey....

In his bed. Coz he just peed in our bed and I didn't fancy sleeping on a towel.

 But as his spindly arms curled round my neck while his legs were tucked into the curve of my fetal position I realised I. Love. My. Life.

I love cuddles with little bodies. And giggles over farts and other such silly things that we laugh about here. I love that these little beings I helped make are so gorgeous, as much as their can be little terrors. I love their ingenius crazy thought patterns. I love that their father has a totally irreverent sense of humour. And I love that I can be at home with them.

I was reflecting earlier yesterday about how here in little ole NZ, Valentines Day is about lovers. But when we watch American tv shows they talk about it being a day for telling EVERYONE you love them - lovers, partners, friends, family, siblings, the whole enchilada. 

And snuggled up with that boney warm body in a single bed this  morning I realised that yes, I have love in my life. And for that I am immensely grateful. 

Even when it drives me nutso!  :OD

Friday, February 7, 2014

And dennn......

So, the meeting ended on a positive note....

with laughter, a list of tasks, and a feeling of contributing to the group.

Fuckin seriously?!?  Why the rollercoaster, brain?  pffftt

This is what I saw in my head while driving home....well, I can't find just the snippet that was in my head, and i don't have the technical know how - or lets be honest, the willpower to make time to fiddle around! - to cut out the it's just really her reaction when he removes his shirt. The first 2 words she says. gah. Just watch it, it'll make sense.

I promise.

So that was me reaction to my brain. Stupid thing!

anyhoos... then a few days later I had an online meeting with my Fed team - these are good. I like these women, they inspire me, push me to be better, encourage me to step up, and remind me (and not usually in words) when I need to pull my socks up and do more!  

And we were having a catch up, as ya do, and we talked about moving forward, as a team, but our whole Playcentre organisation. Here's some background: this have come to a point where we need to drastically change how we function. Society isn't working like it used to  70years ago when we started. Parent's don't stay at home with their kids for as long, often not really at all, some by choice but more and more simply because bills need to be paid. Or if you are out the workforce, step of your career path for 12 months you get woefully left behind. So it's not seen as worth it to stay home. This isn't the only reason we have to change, but I see it as a big part of it. 

The other thing I see as having changed is people. And their expectations of life, of society, of their entitlements, and of what is reasonable to be asked of them. This is a generalisation - of course it is. And of course there are exceptions to the rule. This is always the case.  Also, people don't tend to have larger families anymore - they are in and out of ECE in 3 years - not 15 like me. I'm an anomaly. I'm ok with that.   It gives me perspective.

Anyhoos - where was I?  Oh yeah, talking with my team - I can't share here what I shared there, the time isn't right yet. And I have folk to talk to first, it's only right, it's respectful of them and all. But what it boils down to, is that I see maybe a place for me in the Federation in the upcoming year (if they'll have me. If they believe I would be valuable in the role...) Which is progress from how I was feeling on Monday. So this is good.

And it's weird, I love the holidays. I do! I love lounging round in my pjs, not having to be out the house by 840am all that jazz......but I'm feeling better this week than I have all year (yeah yeah I know we're only a little over a month in. shush). 

I know I'm feeling better coz I chose to vacuum the other night. AND I've been noticing that things need dusting. I NEVER notice dust!! let alone do anything about it.

So worry not my friends, those who gather to listen to my ramblings, things are looking up. I know that I may not know now for certain, and I may have to "wait my patience" and as much as I hate that, it will be all good in the end.

Meanwhile, this song struck a chord with me this evening..... always a good reminder!  :O)


Monday, February 3, 2014

A little lost...

So things are a changing again.... As is always the way in life.  Well my life anyways it seems....

And I find as I ruminate on these changes upcoming, that I am unsure where I fit in this puzzle.

Things have to change. I know this. I see the need for these changes. But but but I had an idea of where I stood in the picture that was painted. I can't yet see where I fit in this nebulous painting in progress.

I also find myself biting my tongue in some situations, some groups of people, that I never would have in  the past. Say 6 months ago.  I find myself feeling like the words I say are wrong, not needed, or when I am really maudlin - unnecessary. Thinking "Why did I bother putting myself out there?"

This isn't how I like to be.  This isn't a frame of mind I like to have. I wake each day with the goal of being positive, being upbeat again.... then run into a  'wall'

And the more it happens, the more I think "you know what? I'm out." And step back from my volunteer roles. At all but the lowest level.

But even that chaffs with my personal philosophy (or whatever you call what you believe in.....) = if I say I'm gonna do something, I need to do it. I like to be reliable. It's kinda a base part of who I am.

So where do I go from here?  How do I marry the need, and it is becoming quite an urgent need, to change, with where my place is in this brave New World??

Any suggestions welcome, coz I'm floundering  o_O