Monday, March 12, 2012

Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves

Alternate title: "Crash And Burn".....

I had a pretty shit week last week.  it was a culmination of things, least of which, but probably most influentially, lack of sleep over too long a period. Years. 

Monkey is mostly sleeping thru now, but I've been at this parenting thing for a while now (Padawan is at college/high school now) - so if you add it up, that = FUCKLOADS OF LOST SLEEP. 

And they lie. You can never catch up. not properly.

Annnnnnyways. In imploding I discovered I have some very cool family and friends.  

I would be lost without them. truly. We, Admiral and I, would be lost without them. I don't know how my parents raised us all without a network of people to steal us away to let them rest. I take my hat off to my parents. *doff*

So part of my crazy busy week that led to hiding away at home for a couple days (now, I realise to some people this doesn't sound like a crash and burn. Everyone is different. We all have different limits. You're just gonna have to trust me that I reached mine. Or near enough that it was scary. Time for intervention by me, before professionals needed calling in), was picking up a thing for a friend.  And we had planned to catch up later in week to transfer said thing for $$ but it didn't happen.

I saw her yesterday. She not only had $ for the toys I had picked up, she had a care package for me.  Awwwwwww!!  Chocolate, chocolate biscuits and maltexo!  So O for AWESOME  :OD

I was texting her this morning, to thank her again and I had an epiphany! 
Beads of Love from Friends :O)

confused? I'll give some background..... a while back this gorgeous friend was showing me her labour photos, we were catching up as only mums can do and she showed me her Labour Beads that friends had made her. They were this neat necklace of beads, each from a different friend who was with her in spirit during a time when a woman really needs support. I thought at the time it was such an awesome idea. 

Later a friend showed me her Playcentre Education Beads. Similar idea but she had made her own necklace, with a different bead for every assignment completed getting her Playcentre Early Childhood Diploma (6 courses!)  

Anyone who knows me, has met me, knows I love me my jewellery, esp shiny things! But chunky, funky and bright is super too! And I keep things that people have given me, when I feel low I wear things B has given me, to remind me I am loved. I also have a bull charm on a necklace that is my "bullshit deflector" which I wear most days, but esp to tricky places!!

So, here's my idea - a challenge even - to gather beads from all my friends, those who want to anyways, and make a Beads of Love necklace that I can wear. A way to remind myself that altho I may feel alone, down, crappy, whatever....I am still loved. I still have value. 

For the times I can't remember it for myself, I will have a physical reminder.

And if you wanna do this for a friend of yours who needs to know they are loved and supported, then I challenge you to gather up beads and make them a gift of LOVE  :OD

Saturday, March 3, 2012

this is me processing....

Regardless of what life keeps throwing at me, I'm not a natural leader.

I'm naturally shy. I don't meet new people easily. I like people, in general. I like to be around them, and I definitely "recharge" by being around them, but people I know.

There is history behind this post, what life has been throwing at me lately, but I won't bore you with the details. I don't want this to be a whiny post. I just need somewhere to talk through my thoughts really.....

I posted on The Facebook recently that I'm shy. Half the people who responded didn't believe me. I think the fact that I have coloured hair and dress like I dress in the dark sometimes doesn't mean I'm confident - it's a fucken facade. I do it to GIVE myself confidence, NOT that I have it already. 

In the last year I have done a couple of personality/behavioural typing courses - what I got most from it?  I hate HATE being put in a box. My skin crawls when someone says "well, you reacted, you did this because you're an X. They always react that way." 

No one can see in my head, no one but me knows why I act the way I do. And just because I may have a particular bent, doesn't preclude me learning about it and changing for the better. It is possible to fight your natural instincts. 

I may have leadership leanings. I may be a person who likes to get things done. But I am also a person with strong "people pleasing" needs - so I don't want to get things done so bad that I would trample on others. 

Also, if I am part of a group shouldn't we all be learning & growing & changing so that we can be our best, work together effectively toward our common goal? And fuck. COMMUNICATE effectively so that we can HAVE THE SAME FUCKEN GOAL!

But you know what? I don't care if I am in a leadership position, I will lead by example, but I don't think I can be the only one learning, changing , growing. I'm not that strong. If you have any ideas of how to survive that, then you're a wiser person than me.

Altho, I think we already covered that that isn't that hard to achieve - I'm faking it anyways.

a little while later.....after some ruminating & chatting to Admiral Awesome.....
So, B questioned whether I want a rant out there in the interspere, but I don't think there's anything in here that I would regret sharing. I try to be fairly open and honest in my everyday life. For the most part what you see on The Facebook, The Twitter and real life is the real me. 

Also?  Listening to this track helped me some....  >:O)