Saturday, March 3, 2012

this is me processing....

Regardless of what life keeps throwing at me, I'm not a natural leader.

I'm naturally shy. I don't meet new people easily. I like people, in general. I like to be around them, and I definitely "recharge" by being around them, but people I know.

There is history behind this post, what life has been throwing at me lately, but I won't bore you with the details. I don't want this to be a whiny post. I just need somewhere to talk through my thoughts really.....

I posted on The Facebook recently that I'm shy. Half the people who responded didn't believe me. I think the fact that I have coloured hair and dress like I dress in the dark sometimes doesn't mean I'm confident - it's a fucken facade. I do it to GIVE myself confidence, NOT that I have it already. 

In the last year I have done a couple of personality/behavioural typing courses - what I got most from it?  I hate HATE being put in a box. My skin crawls when someone says "well, you reacted, you did this because you're an X. They always react that way." 

No one can see in my head, no one but me knows why I act the way I do. And just because I may have a particular bent, doesn't preclude me learning about it and changing for the better. It is possible to fight your natural instincts. 

I may have leadership leanings. I may be a person who likes to get things done. But I am also a person with strong "people pleasing" needs - so I don't want to get things done so bad that I would trample on others. 

Also, if I am part of a group shouldn't we all be learning & growing & changing so that we can be our best, work together effectively toward our common goal? And fuck. COMMUNICATE effectively so that we can HAVE THE SAME FUCKEN GOAL!

But you know what? I don't care if I am in a leadership position, I will lead by example, but I don't think I can be the only one learning, changing , growing. I'm not that strong. If you have any ideas of how to survive that, then you're a wiser person than me.

Altho, I think we already covered that that isn't that hard to achieve - I'm faking it anyways.

a little while later.....after some ruminating & chatting to Admiral Awesome.....
So, B questioned whether I want a rant out there in the interspere, but I don't think there's anything in here that I would regret sharing. I try to be fairly open and honest in my everyday life. For the most part what you see on The Facebook, The Twitter and real life is the real me. 

Also?  Listening to this track helped me some....  >:O)


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