Also a contributing factor is Monkey going thru a really clingy stage. We have managed to get him out of our bed at night, by shutting him in his bedroom. But he has taken to breastfeeding again (god knows he probably is only getting comfort from that!) and almost needing an hours worth of cuddles with me in the evening. I am happy to do this, if it's what he needs, I get kids his age (3) can't often articulate their needs, or the WHY of what their needs are. This I am fine with.
It's the grizzling and whiney for the rest of the day that's driving me nutso.
Coupled with this, the kids are arguing over their lego a lot lately. now, let's put it into perspective we have FUCK LOADS of lego......about this much.
This is the kids room....
One of the kids rooms.
If memory serves there are bits in the other kids room too, plus I couldn't fit it all in frame here *LeSigh*
So, when the Lunatics start arguing that "he stole the piece that I need" I REALLY don't have a lot of patience for it. It's more than slightly ridiculous. It's fucken selfish bullshit is what it is.
*SIGH*
I hate feeling frustrated and cranky, so I think about it a lot, trying to find the root *snigger* cause of the feelings, so I can fix it change it make it better go back to feeling good about my life. Coz I have lots of good in my life.
Like friends who visit even when we're sick to make me laugh. Help me decide on the best way to reconfigure a necklace so i have funky earrings as well as a cool necklace!!
see? cool dangly earrings too!! ;O)
And a wonderful husband who lets me buy skates so I can do roller derby - which is SO MUCH FUCKING FUUUUNN!!
I'm loving it so hard. And not just coz it's an excuse to where my normal outfits in public without feeling out of place (not that I let that stop me usually). Its a great group of people who have made me feel welcome, a part of the group. Plus I am kicking arse at upskilling too, which always makes one feel good no?
oh yeah, a pic of my cute skates
and they are sooo awesome to skate in. It's sucked being sick coz I've only got out on them once. :O( Now to clean out and possibly replace the bearings so the wheels move smoother. then to build up my derby skates.....it's addictive I can tell you. But I love it!!
Then I get home & frustration sets in. I've tried to figure out why....the only thing I can come up with is it *feels* like I'm the only one doing housework. Which I know, when I think rationally about it, is a slight exaggeration - the kids do help out. I just have to remind them. Which again, rationally, is fair. But I don't think I think of them as "kids" not "my kids" anyways. They are the people I live with. So I live with 7 other people and it feels like I'm the one working my arse off.
Which is also unfair to Admiral. Coz he works hard at work. But I guess I don't see that.... and I can't go out and walk into a job that earns what he earns, or we would swap in a heartbeat. We've talked about this more than once. He hates working, but he couldn't breastfeed.... Also, I know we are well blessed that he earns enough that I don't have to work, that I can be at home with the kids.
So why am I so ungrateful and frustrated by my role in life? the role I CHOSE??
and more importantly, is this normal?? After being at home with kids for 13 years, is it normal to hit a rut like this??
And what can I do to make it ok again? to enjoy this again?? Coz I know I am blessed and like being an at home mum.....
Have been listening to Pink's Funhouse album a lot lately, as I might have mentioned in a previous post....there are so many songs, so passionately sung that really resonate with me. There is one that includes these lines....
"I'm off to see the doctor, I hope she has a cure, I hope she makes me better, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???"
And that's really how I feel about this depression thing I've been going thru. What does "better" look like for me? Until I know that I don't know that I can move forward....
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