hmmm, It's been a while since I've written, as you may have noticed. My youngest monkey started school a year ago (and he's kicking ARSE at it by the way!) and so I thought I would have more free time, and more desire to write. Seems I was wrong..... I have been kept busy with life, working at Playcentre (which was an awesome experience), home life, being sick - that's been a lot this year and I'd like THAT to change! - kids, housework, changing derby leagues (helping kick start a new all inclusive one actually), house work, oh did I mention home life stuffs? ;) Mostly I wanted to get back into this, as I'm back to feeling like I'm living in my head a lot, too much, that I needed to be vocalising more so that I don't go loopy. or more loopy. Or simply maybe I feel like I need someone to talk to coz I feel alone. Weirdly though, I don't wanna go out and see people, I feel like I'm turning into an introvert......I'm not quite sure how that works, but *shrug* I long ago gave up attempting to analyse my thinking processes. So anyways, I'm back! First off I wanted to say that I want a do over of this last year. Actually no. Not a do over, coz that means reliving it. And it has been kinda shit really. Between all the upheaval of Playcentre stuff, last kid going to school, figuring out what I want to do with my time post preschool kids (and failing I might add), and being sick. A lot. Too much. I really really don't wanna live this year again. I want a Pass Out for the rest of 2015. Can I just check out and start over when 2016 rolls around? Pretty please??
While I am honoured that centres wanted to have a role specifically for me, I am unable and unwilling to take that up a role on Exec at this time.
This is not a decision I have made lightly, I am frankly heartbroken over it. I want Playcentre to be the best that it can be, I know I have knowledge and experience of value to share, I want to be able to pay forward all the support, aroha, manaakitanga and education my family and I have received over the years, but I am not willing to put myself in a position of being stepped on to do it. I have tried very hard in the last year, yet I have continued to feel my input was dismissed out of hand. I learnt in Playcentre that cooperation is a group effort. I am not going to put myself (and as a result my family) through that stress again.
I am not moving away, not changing my numbers, I will always be at the end of the phone for centre members to contact, to support our whanau.
I know you know that Playcentre is deeply in my heart and I would love to be able to continue to help out at Assn, but clearly there isn't a good fit of position for me with the current situation. Thank you for all the support and nurture I have been given by Assn members over the last 5 years. ruth jones For those who I sent it to via email, it was so you were in the loop of my life. I dunno how much more I can talk about this......got some more grieving to do I suspect given how I'm feeling right now....
So.... this started out as an email to the Co-Presidents of my Playcentre Association (and some other folk who I wanted to see it out of respect).
But then as I was crying writing parts of it, I thought perhaps I needed to write to process THEN write the email.....
(oh yeah some background heh - I put my name forward (with my centre supporting me which is the Playcentre way) for Co-President of our Assn as I felt it was right for me and my skill set to be more involved. Also, i felt that the current Co-President has a way of just moving things in her pre-chosen direction, and she might be right, but I was "raised" in Playcentre to use consensus decision making, consultation being key as we are a cooperative. All philosophies that are anathema I've found to those from corporate land. *sigh* The current Co-President was standing again, so there had to be discussions at AGM for centres to decide who they wanted in the role. I lost. Which is fine (Not to say it wasn't HARD), that's the process, that's who they chose. I just wanted it to be a conscious decision on the centre members part. Anyways, so I left AGM with no role at Assn.
and now the fun part of handing over the work I was doing etc....
Hence the email.
Kia Ora koutou,
I am aware that there was a request as part of the Co-President selection discussion at AGM to have a position discussed/designed for me - look don't worry about it. There is enough work going on, and not enough people, for time to be spent on me. Plus there's no money in the budget.
I know you know that Playcentre is my heart and I would love to be able to continue to help out at Assn, but clearly there isn't a good fit of position for me with the current situation. I have tried, and felt fairly unsuccessful in the last year, and am not willing to put myself (and as a result my family) through that stress again.
I am not moving away, not changing my numbers, I will always be at the end of the phone for centre members to contact.
This is not a decision I have made lightly, I am frankly heartbroken over it. I want Playcentre to be the best that it can be, I want to be able to pay forward all the support, aroha, manaakitanga and education my famliy and i have received over the years, but I am not willing to put myself in a position of being stepped on to do it.
I know I have value, I know my work is worthwhile - I have felt these things at Hutt Association previously. I can always find a job where I am treated dismissively, disrespectfully; at least I will be getting a wage from it.
And that's where I stopped writing the email coz I was going to get sweary and rude, which is not how I like to be to those I respect. It's not what I see as my place in this situation - an ethos I am finding hard to put into words.
Anyways, I think I have it now. I'm still toying with the idea of writing an open letter to the centres, which I would ask to be emailed out to all, and post on fb, but not quite sure yet.....that pesky being respectful thing again..... hrrmmmm
Thanks for listening and helping me process this.
And I will leave you with this awesome ditty my brother @SiDawson introduced me to, it's about all I feel like doing right now.... :O/
I know now why I was feeling so crappy when I lasted posted....I was coming down with the flu!
Excellent.
So, I know I said to myself that now Monkey has started school, and I am officially a "Lady of Leisure" *snort*, I was going to post more often.
Yeah. Have I mentioned I'm shit at setting goals and sticking to them??
Anyhoos...things are good here. Usually busy and craziness. The Chickens who stopped laying over winter have started again, altho Soup, who have never laid, started harrassing Leia, so we killed here the other weekend. She was a tricky one to gut so I gave up after accidentally pulling off her venthole.
I kid you not.
Best not add any words to that.....
So moving on. This is my hair now. I went thru a stage of keeping it real short, with a mohawk, then it went a bit wrong so I started over (read: shaved it all off) and then finally let it grow a bit. this is hard as I have not a lot of patience.
Anyhoo....this is me trying different stuff so I don't get bored with it and shave it off again!
I like it tho, so although it takes a bit of maintenance I've had this in for over a week now. And funnily, it was Admiral's idea to do the different colours, I just had it up in the hairties. Yes, conservative Admiral suggested this. Gotta love him for continuing to keep me on my toes, surprising me.
So, Monkey is doing awesome at school, when I thought he would need another term before he was ready - yay for pleasant surprises!! My Big Brother is coming back this way soon, so I'm excited about that too!
And now I must sign off and do shopping and other works stuff - you know Lady of Leisure activities *snort* Leisure my arse ;O)
My youngest kid started school 5 weeks ago, which is exciting and awesome coz he's doing sooooo well with it. I wasn't sure that he was ready, I was prepared to hold off sending him (legally kids in NZ don't have to start school till they are 6 years old, just societal expectation is that they start at 5yrs). I had made plans to support him, talked to school and Playcentre so it was ok, I prepped myself so I didn't have expectations of having time to myself.....and then he started at 5 and has run with it. He's amazing.
I am in awe him.
And then all the other shit that has been happening in my life in the last 6-9 months (69 months? 6 TO 9 months) hit me all at once. BAM.
It's dumb coz I thought I had processed this stuff when it happened. As it happened. I have thought about things, and re thought about them and talked to people who are smarter than me. But no. Apparently I have shit to yet deal with.
After a month of this I'm kinda a bit sick of feeling crappy. I have been fighting exhaustion and wondering if my depression is getting worse, or if it's just catching up to me after 15 years of sleep dep and preschoolers. I've thought about ways i can get myself through this, setting some fixed things into my day so that I'm not just floating through the day. I have found that altho I have 6 free hours a day I feel like I'm achieving less than I used to. So I thought I would have a nap everyday and go skating during the day, and write this more. So far I've achieved the napping. :O/
All this is to say that I sat down twice today to write this, and had nothing - although this post wouldn't suggest such huh?.....
Anyways, This was in the school newsletter the other week and it made me giggle.. (it's in reference to parents parking, dropping kids off at school) "C'mon people, we are all road users and we need to be respectful of the rules that guide us. Everyday we have cars double parking, parking on yellow lines, parking too close to the pedestrian crossing and people being impatient. Allow me to dispel some myths; Children do not melt in the rain and they can walk more than 50m to or from the school gate, in fact it may be the only exercise they get. The last thing we want is your child, our students, being hurt. Thanks to those behaving thoughtfully"
So glad it's not just me who thinks the way I do.... ;OD
Was at Derby the other week and did a cartwheel as part of walking back from the toilet stretch. I was a gymnast as a child and I still find cartwheels, handstands and such relaxing....*shrug* I don't question it too hard.
Anyways, a mate asked if I could do the cartwheel on wheels. I replied "ah no. You know me and balance aren't always friends!" (i have a history at derby of falling and getting wicked bruises even when I aiming to stay upright. I think it's more coz I push boundaries and my brain often thinks I can do stuff my body isn't -quite- up to!)
Five minutes later..... I think "fuckit. Challenge accepted. Now I have to bloody well try it"
And huzzah! Lookit here....
So there ya go. I know I kinda cheated so that I wasn't really using my wheels, but *shrug* screw you hippie, -I- can do a cartwheel on skates.
